Dear Marie:
I'm 26 years old and my
husband of 2 years died of a massive stroke six months ago. We dated for 5
years before we got married and both of us were so happy. There were no warning
signs or any reason for it. He was perfectly healthy at 29 years old. Nobody in
his family ever had a stroke, either.
I've been going through a really
hard time with this. We were together 5 years before we got married. When it
first happened, my friends and neighbors called to check on me. Now those calls
have stopped. I still need their support but I don’t know what to do about it.
Don’t they know I'm still in pain? I don’t know if it is acceptable to
call them and ask for more support. I think I might be bothering them. What
should I do?
--No Support in Roanoke,
Virginia
Dear No Support:
I offer you my
deepest sympathy for your loss. You're not alone concerning this issue.
Reaching out to others for help is a problem for most people. Calling on your
friends, family and neighbors when you're in need is something you should do,
no matter how uncomfortable. It's a good idea to have more than one person to
reach out to. In most cases, everyone really wants to help you move forward.
Grief is an uncomfortable emotion
for people who are not experienced with it. Having a group of friends or
neighbors to reach out to avoid putting pressure on one person.
Our friends don’t know we need help
unless we tell them. They can't read our minds. In some cases, friends and
neighbors aren’t focusing on you or what is happening to you after your initial
loss. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. It isn’t an acute situation in their
minds any more.
For you, however, it is still acute
because you're still in tremendous pain. Not only are you dealing with pain but
you're also feeling abandoned by your friends. I'm here to tell you, your
friends haven't abandoned you. They're there for you, but you have to reach
out.
Let them know that you're still hurting and be
specific about your needs. If you just want someone to listen, say so. If you
need to get out of the house and go do something, say so. Reach out to them for
help. If the person you call first isn’t free, call someone else. Don’t give
up.
Regards,
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